Motion Masquerade

Today I feel numb, which is a self-defense mechanism for some of us with Borderline Personality Disorder when we’re experiencing too much emotion. Instead of feeling it — especially if it happens to be negative — we just shut down (emotionally speaking) and hibernate in what I call the “blank space.”

It takes a lot to push me into the “blank space” and I haven’t been here in a while; so, I kind of feel like I’m navigating foreign terrain. Numb is better than suicidal (or, God forbid, homicidal); but, it’s still wholly uncomfortable. Partly because I know it’s a state that most “normal” people don’t experience and I dislike the fact that I’m mentally odd.

Most of the time I don’t like to look at the factors that have led me into the wasteland of the “blank space,” but I thought I’d try something different this time around. So let’s have a go at it, shall we?

1) For the past couple of days I’ve been experiencing a cluster migraine. These are the types of dastardly headaches that require triptans and prescription-strength NSAIDs to alleviate the debilitating pain that pounds through my skull like a sledgehammer. The agony is so great that at times I cannot move my head without experiencing the desire to vomit and/or pass out. I’m sensitive to light and I dislike being around other people (including my husband). My migraines also come with the added bonus of seizure auras. They affect my motor skills and my ability to speak. After a cluster migraine (an event that can last up to a week) I also have a “migraine hangover.” This feels exactly how it sounds. I’m tired, nauseated, my muscles ache, and my mood is generally low. As of now I cannot determine if I’m still in the midst of the cluster, or if I’ve moved into the hangover. Only time will tell.

2) It’s June. As I’ve mentioned before my brother, Cole, took his own life on June 20, 2018. Every year, as the anniversary roles around, my family tends to go a bit dark. The grief flows — rather than ebbs — in June, and I am definitely feeling his absence a little more than I usually do.

3) I’m feeling a bit guilty about writing some dark truths about my family; but, my thesis for school is to write a memoir about them. I can’t do that without writing about everything my brothers and I went through — the good and the bad. Still, family loyalty runs deep and I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying them.

4) My brother, Chase, lost his job yesterday. He’ll be coming home, which I have mixed feelings about. I’m happy that he’ll be closer and I’ll be able to see him more; but, the first thing he did after finding out he’d been laid off was visit a bar. I’m not totally thrilled at the prospect of having drunk Chase in closer proximity. He has a tendency to be angry and cruel when he drinks… and I don’t enjoy being the target of that fury and ferocity. Also, if he’s here, my parents expect me to keep a watchful eye on him; and, I’m not ready to take on that responsibility again.

5) I also found out yesterday that — due to financial reasons — I might not be able to return to school in the fall. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am and it’s heartbreaking to think I might not be able to finish my degree. It’s even harder to think of what my family will have to say about it. My mom will blame my husband — who is not at fault. My brother — who doesn’t fully understand my mental and physical limitations — will blame me. They will all say that it’s no surprise and add something like, “You never finish anything you start.” In the past, this would’ve been true; but, it’s not now. This is a circumstance that is beyond my control; but, they won’t see it that way. It also means that I’ll be returning to minimum-wage, dissatisfying jobs and I am not looking forward to that.

6) I had a really stupid fight with my husband last night and I don’t feel like he understands me. Apparently, I kept looking at him “as if I needed something.” I didn’t realize I was doing it and we started shouting at one another over this dumb misunderstanding. I mentioned that my life had imploded (due to the above mentioned school issue) and he came back at me with, “Your life hasn’t imploded, your brother’s life imploded. You still have me. You have Tocho [our dog]. Are you telling me we don’t count?”

“Of course not!” Feeling frustrated and misheard and fearing I wasn’t communicating well enough, I then said, “I’m going to bed.”

What Michael doesn’t understand — what he can’t understand — is that school is the only place I really feel like myself because it gives me purpose. It’s helping me get to where I’ve always wanted to be. I have a job that I enjoy because of school. If I’m not enrolled, I lose my job too. (It’s a student position that’s dependent on my enrollment.)

My husband seems to think that because he’s happy, I should be happy too. And yes, I am content in his company. I love my husband and I enjoy spending time with him; but, I also need a life of my own.

Michael has a job that he loves. He has a purpose. He has told me that he enjoys providing for his family (which he does well). He’s happy with our life the way it is.

I’m not.

I can’t contribute financially right now because my job is nonexistent during the summer months; and now, I’m facing the prospect of having nothing to do in the fall — except returning to the minimum-wage work force.

I’m a really bright lady; but, I wasn’t given the same opportunities that my brothers were. I didn’t get to go to college like they did. I wasn’t bought homes like they were.

This was my shot… and I might be losing it. I don’t think my husband grasps the gravity of that in my lil’ world.

I want to be a professional that can support my husband in his retirement, not a 50-year-old Walmart customer service representative still struggling to get by the same way we have been for the past twenty-something years.

Deep breath. In through your nose. Out through your mouth. Inhala. Exhala.

Anyway. That’s how I ended up taking a detour to the “blank space.” I just can’t deal today…